Interview by Hayley Day, MBACP (April 10th 2025)
Living with PTSD after Witnessing a Gang Related Murder.
Content Warning: This post includes vivid descriptions of traumatic events, which may be triggering for some readers.
Q: When did your PTSD begin, and what caused it?
It started in 2001, after I witnessed a gang related murder in Manchester: Murdered taxi driver ‘shot by mistake’ – Manchester Evening News. I was at home with my 2 year old son, when armed men in balaclavas broke into my home. Before I could comprehend what was happening, I was shoving my son behind my back as a gun was being put to my head.
By some miracle one of the men recognised me and told the others to back off. After they left (I heard them speed off), I grabbed my son and ran next door, begging the neighbour to take him and whilst initially she was reluctant (due to being terrified) she let us in.
Next I remember being back in my house standing barefoot in broken glass, searching for my house keys (I had to walk over the door, kicked off its hinges). I was in shock, doing things that made no sense. I saw my keys and grabbed them, then something inside me screamed get out. That’s when I noticed the strange gurgling noise, and at first I couldn’t even register what it was. I then saw then man slumped in his car, blood pouring from what was left of his face. He was still making noises, but half his face was gone. I remember hearing the shots it wasn’t one shot but a series of shots from a sub-machine gun, they said he was shot by mistake. He was silenced because he could identify them, he was a local taxi driver who was an asset to the community (I did not know who he was then).
Q: What happened next?
I tired to get someone to call an ambulance, but everyone on the street was too afraid, remember this was back in 2001, not everyone had mobile phones. I heard someone shout, “It’s a taxi, get on the radio” I went back to the car and reached for the radio, the smell of hot blood hit me, I will honestly never forget that smell, that when all my senses came back to me, all at once.
I knew there was nothing I could do for him, he was probably dead at that point but I wanted to make sure he didn’t die alone, so I kept telling him ‘not to worry’ and that ‘help was coming’. Before the ambulance came, armed police came shouting with their guns drawn. I thought it was happening all over again. They eventually took me and my son to the police station. I was interrogated for 12 hours, treated like a criminal until they realised I had nothing to do with what happened. Then we were moved out of Manchester and put under witness protection.
Q: Can you talk about the long-term effects – How your PTSD affects you now?
It still impacts my daily life. There are time I cannot leave the house because I am convinced something bad will happen. I get triggered by sounds, smells, things I see on the TV. Its not as bad at it used to be but sometimes it will seem to come from nowhere. For instance the security boxes in the corner of rooms (small white boxes) I had to cover all of mine, I thought someone could watch me, or the men who came into my house will find out where I am and get me. Bonfire night used to be an awful night for me, it still isn’t great mind you. Another example, the smell of hot mince, I can’t cook it, it reminds me too much of the blood and the smell takes me right back to that night; the first time I tried, I was violently sick.
Sometimes I wake up with sick in my mouth, feeling frozen and unable to move or breathe properly. I feel like I’m dying (even though, I know I’m not, I know I’m safe) I always feel like I’ll never be okay again. It can last 10minutes… or 10days. I never know.
Q: What do you want people to understand about trauma?
That it doesn’t go away just because time passes. Trauma lives in the body. It changes how you see the world, how safe you feel in it; even how you move through your own home.
But I also want people to know that healing is possible, even if it doesn’t look like ‘getting back to normal’. It looks like learning to live with the noise inside your head. It looks like finding meaning, purpose or connection, maybe even through helping others.
Q: Has therapy helped – what have you tired?
Well, it has not magically gotten rid of my trauma. I have been through a few counsellors (I can’t afford to find my own counsellor; I use the NHS services). In the past, I have had counsellors tell me their issues and life stories, so I never went back to them. I had a lovely counsellor, but she wanted me to tap my head, arms, etc, and that just wasn’t for me. I recently tried EMDR, which morphed into person-centred therapy. I have more than one trauma, and the EMDR was for something else specifically. I connected with this therapist, and when I left, I either knew I had done the work or I had gotten a load off my chest. It doesn’t get rid of the pain, but helps me understand and link different experiences together so I understand my worldview – I can then choose if I want to work on that or box it off till I’m feeling stronger. I am devastated that I am losing my recent therapist, but the service is changing, and I only had a set number of sessions. I’m kind of left in limbo now, even though I want to build a rapport and not have to keep telling the same story over and over. I feel it’ll aid in faster healing.
Future Interviews:
Treatment by the Police and the Trail.
If you have any questions you would like me to ask please e-mail me: hayleyday@day-counselling.co.uk
Follow up 29/04/25
Wanted to add some details after reviewing the article.
The men wearing balaclavas asked a local dealer where my abusive ex lived. The local dealer was too scared to say where my ex lived, so he sent them to my house instead, knowing I had a baby.
I went to trial and gave evidence, I looked them all in the eye as they stared me down, but ‘no’, they killed someone, someone lost her husband, their dad…there’s no way they’re getting away with this.